Do you feel that memoir writing is like taking off your clothes in front of everyone? Being raw, exposed, and vulnerable on the page for all to see?
According to Susan Shapiro, author of this NY Times article, Make Me Worry You’re Not O.K. that’s what memoir writers need to do. She has her students write a “humiliation essay” where the masks of being perfect, acting properly, or using dainty language are torn away to reveal layers of experience, an imperfect person who isn’t what we feel we “should” present to the world. In her class, the students had to reveal their vulnerable selves. Memoir writing does demand that we explore, reveal—if only to ourselves at first—who we are and what makes us tick. Shapiro says in her essay, “The author Phillip Lopate complains that the problem with confessional writing is that people don’t confess enough. And I agree.”
Having offered many workshops on “Writing as Healing” and “Spiritual Memoir,” I have been blessed to spend time with writers whose goal is to strip down and reveal themselves, exploring beneath the superficial story of who they are, digging deeper into their psyches—motivations, needs, fears, revealing the confusion that reigns underneath the personas that we normally show the world.
You need trust for this kind of writing. First, you have to trust yourself—you need to stand behind who you are or were, you need to invite your true voice to appear on the page. If you’re in a class, you need to feel assured that you are safe in pulling away the masks. Remember that each vignette, chapter, or meaningful moment contains a takeaway, a lesson in how you’ve lived and what you’ve learned. It’s in the silent and small moments that we turn off the noise and come to terms with who we are in full. It takes a strong person to be vulnerable, willing to confess and tell the truth. And when we do, we offer hope to others who are trying to be authentic and real too.
Each of us decides how much to expose our private self. Ask yourself: does the piece show a side of yourself that no one else knows? Are you writing about events you’ve never told anyone about before, exposing secrets? Are you afraid of being judged by who you were or who you are now? Do these questions make you move away from the computer?
Remember, in a first draft no one will see the writing but you. Take a risk and write, whether in a class, workshop, or at your private computer, moments that you’ve been afraid to encounter, give yourself permission to discover layers of your truths, and keep writing to explore and expose yourself.
Your first draft is for you. It’s where you can try out “peeling the onion” of the layers of who you are and putting these insights into words. Allow yourself to freewrite, and also set a goal of setting a theme and word limits to challenge yourself not to just write “this happened and that happened.” Writing reveals surprises, writing invites our whispers of knowledge on the page. It exposes us to parts of ourselves we may not even know.
In this New Year, offer yourself the freedom and the invitation to reveal your inner life in stories—that illuminate you, and that allow others to learn from you. That is what memoir is—sharing through literature our common humanity.
Reminder: I’m one of the editors for the Times They Were A’Changing—Women Remember the 60s and 70s anthology and contest. I have to say that I’m very moved by many of the stories that have been shared. The writers have dug deep into their histories, writing stories that bring us readers back forty years into an era that no longer exists. We see those two decades through their personal lens and their translation of those times. They offer us new insights through their vulnerability and honesty about how they lived then.
Please consider “exposing” yourself and sending your 2500 word piece. Go to our website and submission page to find out the rules and address for submission.
Linda,
You have captured the essence of writing a memoir. I often found that my first drafts didn’t go deep enough – I thought they did at the time – but the feedback I got from readers in my writing group and in workshops was always “Tell me more.” It took me a long time to really strip away the layers.
Swimming with Maya is about to be re-released by Dream of Things and I’m having a lot of the same feelings I had in 2004 when it first appeared in hardback. In many ways that book, while a tribute to my daughter and our relationship, is really history of my vulnerabilities, mistakes, and wrong turns. But by putting that all out there, I was also able to see what I did right as a mother and a human being. So this time I’m a little less nervous, but only a little. Going public requires a lot of courage. I do it, as you point out in this post, to help others deal with their vulnerability and grief.
Thank you! I’m sure this post – and all you do to support the creation of good memoir – will help many writers.
Hi Eleanor, Wow, it’s sure true–that it takes courage to put our vulnerabilities as humans–and mothers–out there. Most of us need a push when it comes to saying more and more about the intimate and secret truths of our lives. When my first book, not even a memoir, was about to come out, I was so anxious for weeks. I imagined all the critical things that would be said, it was nerve wracking. Then for my memoir, I think it took so many years for me to finish it partly because of the inner, and the outer critics, the family, the worries about how I would be perceived. Finally I just had had enough hiding, and got it done. Best of luck with your new release, and still, it is taking courage to do it! As we say at NAMW–Be Brave, Write Your Story!
Linda Joy
Dear Linda Joy,
As I read through this post, I find myself feeling so grateful that you have guided me through all these layers of the truth. It is in getting in touch with our greatest vulnerabilites that we are able to connect with others in a healing and helping way. And it always amazes me how much deeper I seem to go with every rewrite. This is a wonderful post that rings so true. Thank you for sharing these “pearls” so relevant for all memoir writers.
Blessings,
Kathy
Kathy, you have been so courageous in digging into layers that you resisted, that were scary or embarrassing, but you have done it! We all have to decide where our limits are, and where we are able to go in the public version. Rewriting is such a joy, because we have already opened the door to our own vulnerability and then it becomes: what does the reader need to know? We get out of our own limitations and move deeper into what the reader needs from us. Looking forward to reading your final edition when it’s ready!
Linda Joy
I couldn’t agree more, Linda Joy, in fact I wrote about this very topic recently on A Slice of Life Writing. http://lindahoye.com/owning-our-stories/ That first draft (and often second, third, and fourth!) is where we have the freedom to write our own uncensored truth, and it’s through the experience of writing and owning our truth where the healing takes place. Our willingness to be vulnerable is put to another test after we’ve worked through the drafts and have a final product to share with the world. That’s where we face the decision whether to open ourselves up, embrace and own our story. It can be scary but the rewards for doing so are many.
Hi Linda,
I agree–we need the room to explore our voice and our truths, and we can do it in the early explorations into our story. I think what we find out as memoir writers is how liberating it is to share our truths and how much more we connect with other humans who are vulnerable like ourselves when we do that. I will read your post!
Linda Joy
When my memoir Leaving the Hall Light On was launched, my niece asked how I felt about putting myself so out there in the world. I replied, “Terrified.” But being raw and honest was the only way I could write my book. Otherwise it would not do me or anyone else any good.
Thank you, Linda Joy, for validating how important it is to bring our deepest and darkest secrets out in the open. This is such an important subject for memoir and lifestory writers.
This is a great post, Linda Joy. Thanks so much for this perspective. It’s such an interesting and nuanced conversation about how much to reveal and when. I know you and I both love to give permission to writers to explore what it feels like to get naked and to expose themselves. I think there’s no way to know how far you are willing and able to go until you get there and see what your reaction is. You are so permission-giving in this way and it’s wonderful!
Thanks Brooke! For a long time I’ve been working with writers who have the need to write their story, to get it out of their head and on the page, and yet they are scared by the power of their story. I write more about this in my book The Power of Memoir. Writing-or telling-the truth about who we are is a risky business in a world where many people want to either compete or use your words against you. But a story is a powerful tool. It is an art form that exists independently of all the stuff that we humans try to do. It is its own testament about the ways we live and the lessons each story can deliver. I feel we are in a time where people have a deep need to understand and know others. Thus, the popularity of memoir, and it’s still growing!
Linda, thanks so much for the reassurance that it’s OK to show show our not so flattering derrieres sometimes, though it’s usually easier said than done.
Eleanor, your comment about not going deep enough made me reconsider that question. A good reminder that our own inhibitions and inner judges may be much more harsh than our readers.
Linda, I just discovered you on Twitter and came to this site through your Twitter link. When I read this post, one thing continued to knaw at me – not about exposing myself and being vulnerable which I have certainly done in my writing, but about the issues of privacy regarding other people whose stories are interwoven into mine. How do you deal with that aspect when writing a memoir?
Mine is complete except I am holding off on publishing it because of a couple of chapters essential to the story. Those chapters include information about people who have been an integral part of my story and some of it is not exactly flattering, so they would be unlikely to give permission for me to include information about them in a published book. Using pseudonyms won’t likely work because it would be fairly easy to figure out who they really are based on the relationships identified. Have you dealt with this issue in your writing community and if so, what have you discovered to address it? I expect it is a much bigger issue wrt memoirs than to most other types of writing. Thank you.
Just got around to reading this as my memoir manuscript is approaching the question of how much to reveal. Thanks for bringing it up.
You said nobody’s going to see it, but on the internet, you never know.
I had a great opening which began with self talk and looking in the mirror. When shopping one day, I picked up “Fifty Shades of Gray,” and there was the same opening with different words. In a discussion on the writer site I belong to, most said that this is a common technique. One person said ‘you never know.’ At this point accusations are out that the author of Fifty Shades . . .plagiarized the entire book. That she merely rearranged other people’s writing. I’m still wondering.
When I left home, I began a wildly adventurous exploration of the world including travel. I didn’t want to believe my family life was typical (it was depressing and unreal!) I went wild as soon as I got out of the house which was the very day I turned eighteen. This memoir could be overloaded with deep dark secrets – way too many to put in one place. I’m wondering how or what to filter out.
People say there are no new ideas in the world, but only new ways of expressing them. So you will have your own unique voice, style, and story to tell, and we just have to write our own story our own way. Your memoir may have dark secrets, but the deal is–what is the main story you want to tell in one memoir–what is the theme, or the major themes, and what message will others get from your story? Think of it that way, objectively, then sketch out the scenes that will show your themes. Best of luck sorting it all out! I know it’s a challenge!