Memoir Writing Is Not an Act of War

Sep 25, 2014 | Blog, Inspiration for Your Writing Life, Memories and Memoirs

tree book with family-canstock

Writing a memoir is not an act of war, but it can seem that way to our family. When our “truths” are other people’s “lies” that they need to believe, the larger than life stories that are skewed or downright wrong—according to those who look askance at any story that does not agree with their own version. Family members are like slices of a pie, seeing the center through a different lens. It’s a war when families fight over what “really” happened, and this can go on and on, for generations.
Memoirists wrestle with those inner voices, the inner critic, or are they the family voices who are whispering, or yelling, these things:
• You’re writing a memoir! For heaven’s sake, why must you air the dirty family laundry?
• Why are you doing this to us?
• I thought you loved me!
• Your grandmother is going to roll over in her grave if you write that.
• Don’t you dare write any of that while we’re alive!
• You’re a liar!
• Who gave you the right to tell my story?
• We’re gonna sue you if you publish that!
• Secrets are kept for a reason. Don’t you rock the boat.

We can’t stand behind the fictional wall and say, “I made it all up. I know it seems like Aunt Rose and grandma, but really, it’s all fiction.” No, we can’t do that. We have to stand there raw and real, and claim we’re writing the truth to the best of our ability, your honor, as the court wearing its black robes begins to judge us at 9 AM while we are sitting down to write. And it stays there all day as the clocks tick and the dogs demand to be walked and the sun passes across the sky. Our ideas dissolve and we are consumed in guilt and doubt.

There’s the “inner critic” the voices that just come and perch on our shoulder, but most of us have real people in our lives who get fidgety when they find out we’re writing about “their” family, even though they are also “our” family. And we might be writing about them. People get very antsy and nosy and worried when they have a writer in the family, especially a memoir writer, so for goodness sake if you hope to write your story, keep the fact that you’re writing a memoir to yourself! Unless your family lives next door, they won’t find out you wrote your first draft or your fifth one until you tell them. Keep your mouth shut and write write write.
In the meantime, write all those stories about your brother, your parents, your best friend, your first boyfriend, the kid who clocked you who later became a stockbroker. Write about the guy who took advantage of your innocence and use his real name. Write your anger and all the times you wanted to hit someone back but didn’t dare because they were grown-ups and it would only make things worse.
Find your voice, write it all out. Don’t hold back. Break out of your silence. Tell it like it was and if it was ugly, tell it true. It will hurt for a while, but then it will feel better. It has already been hurting you for too long, but first you get all that stuff out and then you shape it to make sense–that is if you want to write your truth all the way without fussing. Most of us think we need to be too polite, as if we are at a fancy tea, to write sweetly and not shock anyone, but that’s not what this is about. You have to shock to break out of the tiny closet where only what is approved of can be written. You have to write the ugly stuff, the blood, sweat and tears, and the beauty will then come more naturally, not wrapped in lace, but in authenticity. It will be real beauty, not something we have to fake to be “nice.”
In other words, Write Your Truth. Protect yourself from gawkers and naysayers. And find your tribe. Memoir writers do something brave every day—they claim their truth.

Vintage crystal lamp

Upcoming Teleconference to help your memoir writing life--Breaking Silence–Healing Shame and Writing Truth in Memoir

Sponsored by the National Association of Memoir Writers

Presenters: Amy Ferris, co-editor of Dancing at the Shame Prom, Amy Friedman, author Desperado’s Wife, Sue William Silverman, Love Sick, Linda Joy Myers, Don’t Call Me Mother, Brooke Warner, How to Sell Your Memoir

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This conference will address the issues that memoirists deal with constantly–how to find your voice and break the silences that plague our deep writing! Join us for 6 hours of amazing presentations by women who have walked the walk. Free Audio of the whole day when you sign up.

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Winter Solstice Thoughts

Dec 21, 2013 | Featured, Inspiration for Your Writing Life, Memories and Memoirs, Writing Skills

snow 

 

The night is long, with sparkling stars. On the Solstice, the earth is balancing for a moment between light and dark, a moment when we celebrate the advent of winter and burrowed into darkness where the tendrils of new growth are buried, waiting for the light and warmth of spring.

So it is with our creativity—it is always potential, waiting for us to wake up to its power and gifts. Most writers I know struggle with finding the time or the mind-set needed to focus on their writing. Everyone is so busy working, taking care of the day-to-day in life that time for creativity and writing is pushed down the list. We need to make room so our creative process and new writing has a chance to expand and breathe. We all know some of the tried and true ways of honoring our creative process, but most of us get lost in “The things that must be done.” Let’s look at the basics for enhancing your creative writing spark.

  1. Set aside a small amount of time each day to write—and journaling counts. In fact, it helps us to write away our daily obsessions and distractions, or it invites us to deepen into reflection. Even 10 minutes is helpful and gives a message to our unconscious mind that we are serious about our creativity.
  2. Having that special notebook or pen can be helpful too. Most writers are inspired by something beautiful to write with or write in. Your favorite pen and notebook are an invitation to open the treasure chest of your mind.
  3. To honor the season, make lists of your favorite Holiday memories. Some prompts:
    1. Describe using sensual details—smells, sounds, textures, and colors the best holiday food memory you have. What was the food, who made it, how was the table decorated, and who was there?
    2. How did your family decorate the house, select the tree, and shop for presents? Make your family members real on the page.
    3. Be sure to characterize your family members with action—how do they talk—be sure to include some dialogue—act, and react to other people? Your dialogue is “made up” of how you remember people talking. For instance, what phrases or expressions did they use? I had an uncle who’d say, “Great balls of sheet iron!” Find expressions that fit the moment in the scene.
    4. Find songs and poetry that inspire you. Many writers I know like to listen to Pandora or their own selection of music while writing.

As the earth turns now, surrender to the cycle of light and darkness and the cycles of our writing lives. I hope you all have a wonderful holiday season!