I’m spending some time answering memoir writing questions this month. So here is a popular topic: Truth and Secrets.

When a writer is torn between the desire to tell her story truth and the internal/external pressure to keep family secrets, what do you recommend?

It’s important first for the writer to get the story on the page, to write his or her own truth. Each person has a point of view and a story that no one else can tell, so the writer needs to claim it and try to discover its wisdom by writing about it. This process creates a new perspective that brings forth layers of memories and insights. Exposing these layers is part of the healing process.

And here’s the hot topic in all my memoir workshops: secrets. Secrets are energy magnets. The force it takes to keep secrets hidden is energy that could be used for growth and creativity. So often though, the shame and guilt associated with secrets keep feeding the darkness and the fear. Secrets maintain a great power over us, and we are diminished by them.
We become co-conspirators to family dynamics that we don’t agree with and want to break away from. So we get caught in a conflict—to speak or not to speak? Do we remain closed and complicit, or open up and take the risk of losing friends and family, of being ousted from the family, or shamed once again into submission? These are choices that we need to make consciously and with care.
I tell my students to be open to writing two versions of the story: first, write for yourself, to clear out your emotional closet and sort the events that are jumbled up in your mind. Research has shown that writing the unadorned truth is powerful and creates changes in the brain—in other words: it’s healing and transformational on many levels.

When you put real people in your book, especially if they are identifiable, they should be notified. Even if all the portraits are positive, we’re exposing a real person to the eyes of the world.

The convention is to have people read the sections they appear in, if you are on speaking terms. If not, change the names and identifying characteristics, even if that means changing names for the character, the streets, town and anything that exposes them. If published, the legal branch of the publishing company can vet the manuscript as well, but since so many memoirs are self-published, I think it’s important for people to keep these ethics in mind.

That said, when writing your early drafts, just write out all you have to say and don’t show it to anyone or tell anyone in the family that you are writing a memoir. That preserves your private writing space, and allows you to get out the stories that you need to release from your body. This helps you to develop a perspective on your memories, feelings, and family history that serves you well when you begin to make publishing decisions.

Brenda Ueland in her classic book If You Want To Write talks about the spark of creativity and the process of writing and creating, with inspirational flashes to show us how other writers and creators, painters, playwrights and poets come to hear their muse.
Quotes:
Inspiration comes very slowly and quietly.
And how do these creative thoughts come? Very slowly and quietly. It is the little bomb of revelation bursting inside you.
–the way you are to feel when you are writing is happy, truthful, and free. With complete self-trust…it will be good. Salable? I don’t know, not for a long time anyway.
When you get down to the true self and speak from that, there is always a metamorphosis in your writing, a transfiguration.
When I notice writers getting tangled up in their inner critic, in not wanting to write, feeling stuck and shy after previously writing freely, I know that something needs to be addressed. I suspect that despite their strong pleas to have me as their coach help them with the techniques of editing, of teaching the about skills that will help them be published—an often passionate desire—that the creative process has become lost in the “goal” of getting published, that the editor they were learning how to be has turned into the inner critic.

It’s time to go back to the basics. While I don’t want to discourage people from being published someday, the idea of “someday” needs to be stressed. It seems easier for people to realize that playing a violin sonata or concerto, or being on stage giving a solo piano concert will take many years of practice. Because everyone has to do some kind of writing all their lives, it seems that the expectation that a person who decides to “write” seriously and with goals for professional notice is that after a few stories, journal entries, or a year or two, they will be able to go “out there” with their work. Of course, this does happen, and no teacher wants to discourage magical and unexpected treasures that may arrive at the writer’s doorstep. On the other hand, I’ve learned too that if I give into the student’s desire to be published, to learn how to edit in a time frame that I sense is premature, that they may plunge into self-doubt, depression, and as if a mule is guiding their creative cart, find themselves backing up instead of moving forward.

All creative learning involves this back and forth process, but at the same time, it’s my desire as a coach, as a person who keeps an eye on the pulse of the creative process, to help people to feel encouraged. Premature “professionalism” can throw ice water on that process and even contribute to people not writing at all.
When in Doubt…
The cure for this malady is to return to “freewriting,” without much editing input. To return to the raw, free voice and creative spirit that made them want to write in the first place. The cure is to return to the inner self, mess and all, incorrect grammar, and misplaced modifiers, and not worry about them.
The creative self needs freedom, it needs applause and smiles and unconditional acceptance. When in doubt, I suggest that you find the joy in self-expression once again, and sink into your free floating stream of consciousness. Allow it to guide you down the stream to the heart of yourself. Listen inwardly not outwardly. Forget the editor. Invite your readers to give you what you need to continue to create. Let the “goal” go and return to the Source.

The Power of Memoir by Linda Joy Myers, Ph.D.

The Power of Memoir: How to Write Your Healing Story Memoir Writing Workshop

Date: Saturday May 15, 2010

Time: 10:00 AM – 4:00 PM

Location: Book Passage

51 Tamal Vista Blvd.
Corte Madera, CA 94925
(415) 927-0960
(800) 999-7909

Cost:  $105–Click Here to Register

Writing a memoir is a powerful act of faith, courage, and skill. What is the theme of your memoir? How do you feel about writing your truth? Is your goal to get even or get healed? We will talk about all these issues, and use the turning point, timeline, and arc of narrative tools to find the right stories for your theme and intent. Linda Joy Myers, Ph.D., MFT, is author of The Power of Memoir: How to Write Your Healing Story.

 The Power of Memoir is a groundbreaking book that presents an innovative step-by-step program using memoir writing on the journey of emotional and physical healing. By drawing upon the eight steps outlined in The Power of Memoir, you’ll learn how to choose the significant milestones in your life and weave together your personal story. You’ll discover how writing your truths and shaping your narrative propel you toward a life-changing transformation. The Power of Memoir offers the tools you need to heal the pain of the past and create a better present and brighter future.

Click Here to buy this book from Book from Book Passage.

Linda Joy Myers Ph.D. is president of the National Association of Memoir Writers and a practicing psychotherapist. She is the author of Don’t Call Me Mother: Breaking the Chain of Mother Daughter Abandonment, which won the Gold Medal Award from the Bay Area Independent Publishing Association in 2007.

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